Decoding Craigslist: Apartment Edition

Mr. Man and I have started to look for some new digs, and I am amazed at the remarkable repetition of misleading descriptors in apartment listings. Here is my deciphering guide for those in need…

“Near transportation” = Not near the train. Kind of near a bus, although possibly not near any transportation at all.
“Near Brown Line” = Near is a funny word, typically meaning up to 12 blocks away.
“X blocks to train” = Take X and multiply by 2.5 to get actual block distance.
“Recent Rehab” = Like the word “near” recent means “in the last 10 years”.
“Cute or Charming or Adorable or Cozy” = Ridiculously small.
“English Garden” = Just a regular garden unit.
“Close to nightlife” = Loud, people will barf on your sidewalk
“Street parking available” = If you are lucky enough to find it
“Close to Lake” = Within a mile of the lake

The award for winningest misconception: Did you know that a unit as far west as California Ave. can be considered in “Ravenswood”?

The award for most condescending agents that I would like to kick in the neck: The Apartment Source

The award for most honest apartment listing ever: $895 / 2br – Needed Tenant for a Shithole Apartment

7 Comments so far

  1. Shawn (unregistered) on June 22nd, 2005 @ 9:13 pm

    The “woof” and “puuur” at the bottom of the shithole apartment listing is a nice touch.

  2. chicagomonkey (unregistered) on June 23rd, 2005 @ 7:56 am

    it is my civic duty to now

    bitch about my formal rental people

    here goes

    avoid rcn

    all together

    while the apartment was great

    about 1600 square foot

    in Lincoln Park (shut it)

    for $1000

    the people I had to deal with

    was not worth it

    I actually yelled at the guy

    when I picked up the keys

    because he called me a liar.

    also had no fridge

    for frist 10 days I lived there

    avoid avoid avoid

  3. chicagomonkey (unregistered) on June 23rd, 2005 @ 10:13 am

    sorry, I meant ICM

    RCN was my cable

    and something else to avoid.

    but the apartment people were ICM Properties

  4. FlowFeel (unregistered) on June 24th, 2005 @ 12:17 am

    Ravenswood Manor is out here in no-mans land – near Cali- between Albany Park and Drinkin’ Square – so maybe that is what they mean! :)

  5. dr. pants? (unregistered) on July 18th, 2005 @ 2:03 pm

    yep – icm sucks. they are the WORST management company. you know Mr. Kruger from Kruger enterprises on “Seinfeld?” That’s like ICM, except you don’t laugh and gaffaw at ICM becuase they’re too busy not fixing your heat, yelling at you when you call too much and allowing your fellow tenents to play their music as loud as they wish becuase they’re friends with the landlord. fuck you employees of ICM: i hope you get explosive diarrah for the rest of your lives.

  6. Kathleen Moritz (unregistered) on December 1st, 2005 @ 6:47 am

    My son along with 2 of his close friends died in a fire on June 7, 2005 in the apartment they leased from ICM. ICM did not provide smoke detectors as required by law
    Be Careful….I paid the ultimate price for this companies neglegence

  7. steven (unregistered) on December 1st, 2005 @ 6:53 am

    me and mrs are thinking about mmoving next year, glad i saw to avoid icm.

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