President Logan, er, Bush, departs for Washington, D.C.

No, that wasn’t the headline in the Trib or Sun-Times this morning, but it should have been.

Let’s just hope the stupid bastards that were clambering over each other for a lock of Dear Leader’s hair enjoyed the show, since their illegal immigrant employees were, I sincerely hope, emptying the till and boning their wives in their absence.

Here’s the full transcript of Bush’s speech.

Here are a few choice outtakes from the slobbering crowd, as they pushed and shoved one another, and trampled their own children, to get on the mic and polish Bush’s knob:

Q Thank you, Mr. President. First, I want to tell you, thank you, how much we love your brother.

THE PRESIDENT: I had nothing to do with it. (Laughter.) Thank my mother. (Laughter.)
(Translation: “Incest isn’t our thing; I wasn’t born in Texas, remember.”)

Q He has been very good to the restaurant industry.

THE PRESIDENT: He has been eating a lot, I noticed. (Laughter.)
(Translation: Yep, that Jeb shore is a fat bastard, aint he?”

…

Q President Bush — from Crown Point, Indiana. First of all, I want to say you’re doing a fine job.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, leave it at that, will you? (Applause.) Thank you. That kind of makes your question not very credible when you say something like that. (Laughter.) But I’ll accept it anyway.
(Translation: Is this the truest shit Bush ever spoke? Might be.)

…

Q Hi — Orlando, Florida. Let me first say, it’s an honor to hear you speak. And I’m a proud supporter. I just had a quick question. Yesterday, at the keynote address, Ted Koppel mentioned that there is a growing lack of trust between government and the American people. How would you address this statement?

THE PRESIDENT: He said there’s a growing lack of trust between our government and the American people?
(Translation: “Who is Ted Koppel? He will be shot, right after my goons are done with that Col-bear a-hole.”)

Q Yes, he did.
…

THE PRESIDENT: Chef, how are you doing, buddy?
(Translation: “I loved you on South Park.”)

Q Doing very good. I’m doing very good, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: You know how I could tell you were chef?

Q I don’t know. (Laughter.)
(Translation: “Um, the huge fucking hat, you stupid fuck?”)

THE PRESIDENT: Yes.

Q Thank you. On behalf of — I’m from Tampa, Florida. And on behalf of all the cooks and chefs in our country, I have to say you’re running it the way a chef would run the country, and we’re proud of you, first of all.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, sir. (Applause.)

Q You have created a lot of jobs, and our industry is just, like you said, it’s cranking, and we’re loving every minute of it. My biggest concern, sir, is 2008 is coming. Do you have a plan for — to keep your policies in place and keep them going? And would Jeb ever consider — we like him — even though we’re the home of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, we don’t have everything, but would Jeb ever consider —

THE PRESIDENT: Playing for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays?

Q Hell no. (Laughter.) For our country. For our country, sir.
(Translation: “Hell no. Down in Florida we take our pro sports MUCH more seriously than we do our politics, as evidenced by your fat-ass brother’s Governorship. Let him run the country? Fine. But let him fuck with our baseball team? Riiiight.”)…

And in closing…

THE PRESIDENT: You know, my buddies in Texas take a look at Washington and say, why are you even up there, man? Come on home. (Laughter.) What are you doing that for? My answer is, I love my country. Public service is noble and necessary. I’m glad I ran for President. And I’ll try to do my part to elevate the tone and hold people — and treat people with respect, whether they agree with me or not.

I’ve got to go back to Washington. God bless. Thanks for coming. (Applause.)”