“Wait, wait, wait… you guys were at it for an hour and a half!?”
Around this time last year, I had a very peculiar evening.
There was a girl who I had become particularly obsessed with, let’s call her “Sarah.” She had suggested that I stop by Innjoy, the bar where she worked to have some cocktails. Naturally, I did anything she told me to.
I showed up there and the place was dead except for a few of the usual arty characters. “Andy”, the lovable drunk who runs “I just realized I should change the real name of his gallery” gallery, was high on some mixture of coke & heroin or something and was spinning 80s dance music. Mike Kinsella was in the house, dancing it up, as were a bunch of girls who I’d seen around.
As the minor dance party at Innjoy wound down, I talked everyone into heading over to Exit. We hung around there and continued the drunken debauchery until they closed their doors at 5am. At that point I blindly piled into a cab which took a group of us to Sarah’s house near Damen & Division.
Andy quickly made himself at home at the kitchen table and begings chopping up lines. Sarah graciously made everyone neopolitan ice cream cones. I found the ice cream to be just what I needed and had a second. Three strange guys walked in and stood silently in the kitchen.
Now, I don’t know most of these people very well, so I certainly don’t know who these dudes are, but something feels off about them. Regardless, I decide it’s not my place to worry about it.
At some point, Sarah suggested that we go to bed. I thought this was a good idea and said, “okay.”
“What about all those people in your apartment?”
“Oh, Andy usually stays over on Saturdays after DJing, he’ll take care of
it.”
So the making out ensued, and it was quite lovely… only it sounded like the number of people in her apartment is increasing.
“Do you want me to go do something about that?” I ask.
“No, you don’t know me. I’ll take care of it.” She covers herself with a robe and looking back says, “give me five minutes.”
I lay in be patiently as the noise slowly fades away. Moments later, Sarah returned and said, “all gone!”
“Everyone’s gone?”
“Everyone’s gone.”
I was very happy and relaxed. We got back to smooching and everything was lovely. Things started getting a little hotter and heavier when she grabbed my head and whispered, “someone’s watching us.”
“What?”
“Some creepy guy is in my apartment and he was just watching us!”
“Someone’s still here?”
“Yes!”
“Really?”
“Really.”
I threw on my pants and walked out of her room just in time to see someone dart into the bedroom of her out-of-town roommate. I charged into the room to see this dude, like some wild animal, desperately trying to claw his way into the closet to hide.
Still assuming that I was dealing with some fucking 20-something hipster loser, I grabbed the guy by the back of the neck, dragged him out into the kitchen and out the back door.
“Get the FUCK out of here you motherFUCKer!”
He ran down the single flight of stairs and out into the alley. The sun had come up and I stood on the porch yelling at him, “don’t you ever fucking come around here again you fuckin’ asshole!”
He walked quickly away, trying to obscure his face, but put his hand on the side of his head and gave me the finger. I reached for one of the potted plants on the rail and then just took a step back. Only at this point did I realize that this was some beefy mustachioed hispanic dude.
Sarah comes out and asks, “WHAT-THE-FUCK!?”
We realized that this guy must’ve crawled in through the open kitchen window… and then just stood there watching us! What the fuck!?
So being thoroughly creeped out. We closed and locked everything up. Stared at each other in disbelief and went back to bed.
Somehow, we managed to start fooling around again. Unfortunately, through a combination of exhaustion, being freaked out, and total performance anxiety… I could not get hard to save my life.
I usually get hard when someone breathes in my general direction so this is really stressful and embarrassing. Eventually we gave up and drifted off to sleep.
A while later, some half-asleep molestation got started and suddenly we were awake again. Things were better this time and before you know it, we were having sex. I am very, very happy.
She rolled on top of me and many interesting sounds were being made and I was just so very happy and I couldn’t believe how well life works out sometimes and-
“MOTHER-FUCKER!!!! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I threw Sarah off of me, grabbed the iron off ironing board outside her room and whipped it at this motherfucker’s head!
He was already out the back door and the iron sailed past him. I charged nakedly through the apartment after him, followed him outside and, standing in the Sunday morning sun with a raging wet hard-on, whipped the potted plant at
his skull as he ran away.
I totally missed and it shattered all over the alley. Shaking violently, I ran back to Sarah’s room, threw on just my pants, spun around and flew past Sarah, standing dumbfounded on the back porch.
It was now 8 am and I was running at top speed through the alleyways, out on the main streets where people were walking their dogs and getting the morning paper. I ran in circles, panting like a maniac and then three squad cars
rolled up.
“I’m the good guy, by the way.”
“What happened?”
I gave the cops a description of the guy and head back to the apartment.
Sara’s dressed and wandering down the alley. I realized that I was wearing very tight pants that made my flab roll up around my waistline.
We stood in the alley and hugged. Another cop rolled up and Sarah gave him the story. He listened for a while and asked, “you don’t know this guy?”
“No.”
“Is there something in the house that you think he was after.”
“No, I don’t have anything of value.”
“So wait, what was he doing in there?”
“He was watching us… we were… “in bed.” She paused, locked eyes with the officer, and then gave him a dramatic tilt of her head.”
“Ohh…. that changes everything.”
Then I pipe in, “What the FUCK do you mean that changes everything!? He still fucking broke and entered TWICE!”
“I mean, it becomes MORE than just breaking and entering.”
“…oh. Sorry.”
He turned back to Sarah, “Okay now, so that was the first time which was?”
“Around an hour and a half ago.”
“And when did he come back?”
“Just a few minutes ago.”
“And what was he doing the second time?”
“He was, watching us, again.”
A big smile grew on the cop’s face, “Wait, wait, wait… you guys were at it for an hour and a half!?”
Sarah and I looked around uncomfortably. As I was still drunk, I had the temptation to say, “well, we ARE totally coked out of our minds,” but I thought better of it. The officer shook his head to himself, smiled and started writing.
I looked down at my bare feet and noticed that I was standing in a pool of my own blood. It was just like Die Hard.
The end.