Avoid the Porcelain God

Don’t eat at Delmonico’s. I’m begging you. And, no, I’m not talking about the Delmonico’s in New York that made that cut of steak famous or whatever. This is Chicago Metblogs, not New York Metblogs and even if it were New York Metblogs, I totally wouldn’t talk trash about the New York Delmonico’s because it rocks, very hard, even after all these years and you should eat there, like, now.
No, I’m talking about the Delmonico’s “gourmet” deli that is located in the food mall at Illinois Center (I think there’s another location, but I haven’t been there and, after what happened to me Friday, I sure as hell wouldn’t seek it out in an effort to sate my appetite). The Delmonico’s “gourmet” deli offers up about twenty hot dishes and twenty cold dishes for you to choose from and I would say about 35 out of the 40 total dishes include among their ingredients at least a half a cup of salmonella.
I’m dead serious. I have eaten at Delmonico’s only twice in the past four months and that’s primarily because when the place first opened about eight months ago, every single person in our office was all, “Whoo! A New York-style buffet deli! WHOO!” All of the transplanted New Yorkers, of course, just rolled their eyes and went to Tokyo Lunch Boxes and laughed heartily when the delusional Chicagoans trooped through the halls with their buffet selections of greasy meatballs, greasier Chinese noodles and “white meat” tuna that was probably made of sandust and fish sauce.
I wound up eating there about three times in one week, got totally sick of something I ate (but since I’d eaten approximately ninety-three things, I couldn’t determine just what it was that had made me ill) and didn’t darken its doorway again until about four months ago. Nothing made me sick that time, so, when I headed down for a late lunch on Friday, it didn’t occur to me not to give Delmonico’s one more try. And one more try was all it took.
What did I eat? What does it matter? It all came right back out of me about six hours later. I felt totally fine right after I ate it, even though I was kind of stuffed; I mean, you can’t shove grilled mushrooms, curry chicken, broccoli and a quarter cup of tuna salad on lettuce down your gullet without getting a bit of a stomachache. But I hadn’t eaten since the night before, I was a tad peckish and, yeah, I overate. Still. I shouldn’t have been punished for this by an extended visit to Elvis’s office.
All I’m saying is, if you don’t want curry chicken exploding out of you in liquid form for nearly 24 hours after you ate it, DON’T GO TO DELMONICO’S.
P.S. My friend Lena just told me that the Delmonico’s near her got shut down for health code violations. Yeah. This would have been valuable information BEFORE I ATE THE CURRY CHICKEN.

1 Comment so far

  1. (unregistered) on August 23rd, 2004 @ 10:49 am

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