This summer I tried leaving my car at home and riding my bike everywhere for a change. Naturally, there are the obvious differences, but I found one thing remains a universal constant on Chicago streets.
I’m talking about road rage. Yes, road rage transfers right over to bicycling. You’re still on the road. And everyone else on the road is still an idiot.
So whether I’m on a bike or in a car, I have a few things to say to all those others behind the wheel out there:

• To the people who like to stop, IN THE MIDDLE OF MOVING TRAFFIC, put their blinkers on, and wait:
  GET OFF THE FRIGGING ROAD.
  You don’t need a car to sit around and do nothing, moron.

• To the people who like to drive five miles an hour:
  GET OFF THE FRIGGING ROAD.
  You can go faster on a bike, bonehead.

• To the pedestrians who like to walk right in front of moving cars:
  Yes. You guessed it. GET OFF THE FRIGGING ROAD.
  We have sidewalks and designated crossing paths for you, roadkill.

• To the buses who like to dominate both lanes:
  PICK A FRIGGING LANE.
  I don’t even know you, but I HATE YOU. Stupid… buses! (You know, that makes a real nice swear word. I’m going to use that from now on. @#!%%@@! BUS! Try yelling it. It has the same impact as other swear words, don’t you think?)

• To the bicyclists who like to ride right in front of me and block me from passing:
  GET OFF… oh, wait. Damn.
  They can’t get off the road because bicycling on sidewalks is illegal in Chicago. And they’re already on a bicycle, so I can’t fault them for that, can I?
  Well, they still suck, because I say so, and they’re not me. So, I guess, uh, to the city of Chicago:
  PUT MORE BIKE LANES ON THE STREETS. AND DON’T MAKE THEM JUST END 50 FEET AWAY FROM THE INTERSECTION.

There. I said it. You may go about your normal browsing now.