More Dating Hilarity from MSN

“Your dog pissed on me, sniffed my crotch and humped my leg. Can I return the favor?”

Lauren’s post reminded me I haven’t written about the joys and terrors of dating lately. The good folks at MSN once again provide grist for the mill in their helpful article, “Dating for dog-lovers.” This article seems even more appropriate given the astoundingly high number of people that own dogs in Chicago (I don’t have any stats, it just seems that everywhere you turn there is a dog or its droppings).

I’ll give you the first tidbit of advice before the jump, as a teaser:

1. Let your dog be your guide dog. If your pet shows a strong preference for someone at the park, go with it. Dogs are great judges of character. “Swoozie was growling her head off at this hot guy I was trying to talk to, so finally I walked away,” says Sonja Lash of New York. “She ran right over to an attractive, but not stunning, guy. We started talking and he was really nice. We’ve been dating ever since.”

Translation: Admit it, if you’ve been reduced to picking up guys at the dog park, your instincts suck. Might as well go ahead and let the dog decide.

2. Do pick-up, literally. Know that how you treat your dog sends signals to others. “I’d never date a guy who didn’t pick up after his dog,” says Marty Smythe of West Hollywood, CA. “Not only does it show he’s inconsiderate of others, but he’s probably a slob, too.” Forget your baggie? Find someone cute and ask if they have any extras. Or offer one of your bags to a hottie in distress.

Because nothing says “sexy” like the lingering smell of dog poop.

3. Collar ‘em. If you want to start a conversation with someone but are feeling shy, check the dog’s collar. Once you’ve had a glance at the pet’s name, you can start a conversation like, “So your poodle’s name is Marcel—cute! Where’d you get that name?”

Failing that, you can memorize the address on the collar and stalk the dog owner until they, like your pet, submit.

4. Make lemonade. If your dog keeps grabbing another pet’s ball or does something else apology-worthy, consider parlaying it into a date. “This is kind of gross, but one time a girl’s dog peed on my leg—maybe it was the brown corduroy pants I was wearing,” says Dan Geller of New York. “She was mortified and asked what she could do. She was cute, so I said, ‘Meet me for drinks Friday night.’ And she did.” So if your pet is the one misbehaving, remember the phrase, “How can I make it up to you?”

Who wrote this advice column, R. Kelly? Keep it in the closet.

5. Play referee. At some point in every dog park outing, a dog fight breaks out or an inexperienced visitor is knocked down by dogs chasing a ball or Frisbee. “I love playing the knight in shining armor when trouble’s afoot,” says Dave DeFord of Hartford, CT. “Managing the situation often leads to a coffee date.”

This is good advice. I’ve met many fine women at dogfights.

6. Stash some snacks. “I always bring treats—people treats, that is,” explains Heather Ness of Santa Monica. “Water in the summer, hot chocolate when it’s cooler, and some cookies or something. You never know when you’ll meet someone you want to share it with.”

Perfect advice if you are trying to pick up grade schoolers. Add some Lunchables and you’re guaranteed to score.

7. Know the right lines. “I avoid dog-themed pick-up lines like, ‘They say people look like their pets and that’s one pretty puppy’ because they’re so lame,” says Randy Davis of Houston. “I find that regular pick-up lines work just as well at the dog park as anywhere else.” Word to the wise: If your line doesn’t work in a bar, it’s probably not going to work here, either. And you can’t go wrong with asking questions about your potential love interest’s pooch.

“Regular” pick-up lines suck too, Randy. That’s why you’re at the dog park trying to think of pick-up lines while your dog pretends he doesn’t know you.

8. Wrap it up. This one’s straight out of the movies and perfect for the parking lot where dogs are still on their leashes. “Identify your target. Approach. On cue, the dogs start chasing each other around their owners. You simply cannot not speak to each other under these circumstances,” says Daria Brooks of Miami. “It works like a charm for me.”

“Ooooh, he looks hot. Sic ‘em!”

9. Find a wing man. “I didn’t meet my boyfriend at the dog park, but I met his oldest friend,” recalls Margaret MacDonald. “Geoff and I became dog park buddies, and then he told me I was perfect for his friend, Blair.” The next trip, Blair tagged along. “It was love at first sight!”

Make friends with ugly men in the hopes they have a cuter friend. A shrewd and manipulative strategy.

10. Play the game. “My dog Sadie is terrible at catch,” says Miles Bush of Ogden, UT. “I throw the ball, disk or stick in the direction of a cute woman and hope she either throws it back or doesn’t move before I can go retrieve it myself.”

With a name like Miles (of) Bush, how can this guy NOT score?

12 Comments so far

  1. Marty (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 2:00 pm

    Ah, dating. Fill us in on the joys and terrors of dating in the Windy City. or I could.

    Here’s a question though–should you blog about a date?

  2. nikkos (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 2:03 pm

    Good question!

    If it was a horribly bad date, I might blog about it. But I would change the name of my date just to avoid litigation.

    If it was a great date, mad chemistry, insane, volcanic sex, go ahead and post the video. I’m sure she won’t mind.

  3. Marty (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 2:19 pm

    Wow. Vlogging at its sleaziest..

    If I laugh any harder, I am going to weird looks from my coworkers.

  4. Elizabeth (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 2:23 pm

    Dear God. What is up with all of this shallow, manipulative dating advice, MSN? Since when are you affiliated with Cosmopolitan magazine?

    I can just imagine the ladies in my neighborhood – guess which one – with their maltese on a leash, carrying a carafe full of starbucks and a backpack full of extra “clean up” bags, aiming their frisbees at stock broker’s heads and hoping that no one notices they’re throwing about 4 feet higher than their dogs can leap.

    Totally hilarious, Nikkos.

    Post the video? Come clean – which one of you guys is dating Paris Hilton?

  5. nikkos (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 2:32 pm

    Um, that would be Marty. Which makes his reluctance to blog about their steamy relationship all the more vexing. She is a well-known skank, after all.

  6. nikkos (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 2:37 pm

    Also I love the look on the dog’s face in that photo (the same photo MSN used atop their article). The dog seems to me to be thinking, “You people are fucking pathetic.”

  7. EJ (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 3:16 pm

    It looks like a stock photo circa 1984.
    That was a top 10 post. Hilarious!
    I was taking notes and I don’t even have a dog. Maybe I”ll just go to the dog park and start picking up other dog’s poo in hopes of meeting that special someone. “Oh I’m sorry, is that your dog’s pile? My fault…. I just can’t help myself.. Are you free this friday?” oh gag.

  8. Regina (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 3:23 pm

    I love this article. Even a dog knows it’s not a good idea to sh*t where you eat. And having a hyperactive dog, I know how important the dog park is. I learned my lesson the hard way by mixing dating with pleasure.

    I met a guy at my local dog park who seemed nice enough. There was a huge communication barrier and I was only interested in making a new friend as I was taking a much needed break from dating. I made that very very clear when he asked me for my email address that any time spent outside of the dog park would not be a date. When he planned what seemed like a date, I revised the plans saying to him they sounded too much like a date and I would me much more comfortable just grabbing a cup of coffee for which I would be paying. When he went in for a kiss during said plans, I made it very clear that he had stepped over the boundaries I had set for the very last time. I clearly explained this. (There were communication barriers, but I know he understood what I was saying because he did speak English as a first language.)

    After several awkward run-ins at the dog park, I switched dog parks and didn’t see him again until this fall. He was at my new park. Fortunately, I happened to be incognito with a newsboy hat and oversized sunglasses.

    On the blogging about bad dates note, YES, bad dates are hilarious. There are few things funnier. And we have all lived through that excruciating pain of a bad date and laughed about it later. It’s almost all I blog about and my friends are highly entertained by the nightmare that is dating (and the nightmare that is my spelling).

  9. TT (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 3:29 pm

    I second the Top 10 post comment. That was hilarous.

  10. Marty (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 3:52 pm

    Wait wait wait. Date Paris hilton. Me? Please. Paris Hilton is the least attractive, most unworthy celebrity that has been created in the past 10 years.

    But if I was, I’d totally blog it. and Vlog it. I’d even post it for free.

    But, I think someone should blog about dating in the windy city. I nominate Nikkos.

  11. nikkos (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 3:55 pm

    Thanks y’all, glad you enjoyed a bit of humor!

    Regina, do you really think you can mention your dating blog and then NOT give us the URL? Cough it up sista!

  12. bassoholic (unregistered) on January 19th, 2006 @ 4:53 pm

    Three cheers Nikkos! Hilarious. Who knew that the innocent dog park is in fact a writhing sea of hormones. I guess I need to work on being more “attractive” and less “stunning”. Thanks MSN!

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