Someone’s got to do it, so here I am with the Oscar picks for this year, a highly trained professional who knows his stuff. First things first: Best Picture. Of the five movies here, I only saw “Crash,” so that would be my obvious choice, although I think “Brokeback Mountain” is the favorite of red state America and that support could push it over the top.

Best Actor? I didn’t see any of those movies. But Philip Seymour Hoffman is one of my favorites, in everything he does, so give it to him already! The Best Actress category is tough because I didn’t see any of those films either. Let’s say Reese Witherspoon wins this, as payback for her being snubbed with “Election,” a fine film. And the first “Legally Blonde” wasn’t half bad…

There’s so much more…

For Best Supporting Actor, again I have to go with “Crash” co-star Matt Dillon, although William Hurt is a favorite of mine as well. But Dillon’s performance in “There’s Something About Mary” has to be one of the greatest comedic turns of all time. Once again, payback time.

Best Supporting Actress? Simple. I just saw “The Constant Gardener” and Rachel Weisz was great. Pretty good movie too, I recommend it. Very little in the way of actual greenery, though.

Best Director has to go to Ang Lee for “Brokeback Mountain” because that’s what everyone tells me. This film seems to have generated some buzz, I must say. From what I’ve heard, Dick Cheney gave it a one-word review: “Hott.”

The only other category that I am interested in is Best Documentary, in which the great film “Grizzly Man” was inexplicably snubbed! I saw “March of the Penguins,” it wasn’t bad, and I have “Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room” at home right now, but “Grizzly Man” was a compelling, fascinating film that deserved at least a nomination. This guy was a real nutjob and yet the story is so tragic — I say it gets a write-in victory Sunday night!

Finally, Jon Stewart will be hosting, and I predict this will be the best choice the Academy has made in a long time. Again, he’s a favorite of red state America and so that should help the ratings go through the roof. Go get ’em, Jon!

OK, that about does her, that about wraps her all up. Enjoy the show, movie-lovers!