Dear Popeyes Fried Chicken,

I’m really sorry, for all of our sakes, that we live in such cynical times. If we still lived in the 50s, I might take your napkin-borne assertion of the quality and safety of your chicken at face value. But since we do live in an untrusting era, this napkin just makes me wonder if I missed the news of some mass food-poisoning or kitten-paw-found-in-the-fried-chicken story. If not, perhaps better just not to bring it up at all.

Your pal and fried chicken fan,
Fuzzy