Jeppson’s Malort

Jeppson's MalortJohn Hodgman drank Jeppson’s Malort* when he visited Chicago last week. Poor son-of-a-bitch.

I was first forced to drink Malort as the last shot of the night at my bachelor party at The Sovereign. It tasted, let us not beat around the bush, like ass. But maybe, I thought, my taste buds were off from the cigars, and it has that cute little Chicago flag-shield on the label, and it’s made in Chicago (well, in Florida, but for Chicago), and the little pamphlet the bartender handed me (yes, there’s a booklet) challenged my manhood: “Most first-time drinkers of Jeppson Malort reject our liquor. Its strong, sharp taste is not for everyone. Our liquor is rugged and unrelenting (even brutal) to the palate. During almost 70 years of American distribution, we found only 1 out of 49 men will drink Jeppson Malort after the first ‘shock-glass.'”

So, I bought a bottle. And we had a little tasting.

Kate: “Nail polish remover. It’s a little sweet, you know like they add that scent to nail polish remover.”

Shaun: “Bug spray, with Robitussin. Because bug spray on its own would probably be a little thin, so they mix in the Robitussin to thicken it up.”

Fuzzy: “Varnish remover. With herbs.”

Erica: “Why did you make me drink that!? I can still taste it!” (From the pamphlet: “It is not possible to forget our two-fisted liquor. The taste just lingers and lasts – seemingly forever.”)

* It clearly says “Malört” right on the bottle, but everyone spells it “Mallort”. Probably, after one shot they see double Ls.

4 Comments so far

  1. CP (unregistered) on October 5th, 2006 @ 10:57 am

    I recently tried this stuff at a local bar at my friend’s urging. He said it would make me a “true Chicagoan.” It is the nastiest substance in a bottle. There are no words to truly describe how vile it is. But it makes a good joke for when people first try it, it’s almost a rite of passage.

  2. mamazilla (unregistered) on October 6th, 2006 @ 11:09 am

    leave it to chicago to produce a back alley absinthe. this i have to sample – right after a big mouthful of haggis! YUM!

  3. Tre LaDormin (unregistered) on October 11th, 2006 @ 9:36 pm

    …makes the Chicago river taste good!…ha!

  4. Tina (unregistered) on October 25th, 2006 @ 8:16 am

    This has been a family tradition for years. It took me a while to aquire the taste for malrot but once I did boy is it yummy!!! I love showing up the MEN when I can down shots of this while they are doing everything from eating mustard to sucking limes to try and get the taste out of their mouth. At every famuly wedding, you can find a group of us outside at someones vehicle doing shots of this! The best in the world!!!

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